I’ll admit it; yesterday was hard for me.
Everything came racing back. As if the demons had finally dug their way out of their hell to attack me. I thought about you; really hard. I didn’t try to stop it. I fell for the ‘what if’ game, you know, what if we were together? What if this was the day we took that vacation we had been craving for months ago?
I know I should be ashamed of not being over it but I wasn’t. I simply let it be.
I let the thoughts wander around and my mind to pull the good feelings you evoked.
I let myself smile at the memory of you.
I let my eyes shut and trace your face among the many I have seen.
I let my hands rummage through piles of pictures looking for yours.
I wondered if you were happy and who was responsible. I went through the list of things you loved doing on Saturdays and wondered if you still do them or you found new ones. I remembered the weekly menu we had pinned on the fridge and wondered if you still eat the same foods.
I collapsed into tears and mourned the loss of what we had. My heart bled once again. I didn’t have energy to say fuck it or to fight the negative thoughts. I was submerged by the desire and the questions I would never ask or find answers for. I know I should be ashamed of not being over you but I wasn’t. I simply let the wave of sadness sweep over me. I scrolled to your name, I almost called you, but I called myself back…..because my voice shouldn’t be heard by those who will mock it thereafter.Follow @CathyWanjiru8
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